Di asked me the other day, how things were progressing with JK. I replied without much hesitation, that there was nothing exceptional about him to like, neither have I found anything about him to majorly dislike – which could actually be good for me, for once.
But honestly? While I wouldn’t go to the extent of saying I feel close to nothing, there is a part of me that is lost, and I am unable to locate it to share with someone new at the moment. There is nothing I can give emotionally, and I oscillate between giving up before it’s too late and letting things happen on their own. I don’t know. I wish I could over-think a little less.
But maybe this is the only way I know, of processing the leftover pain in my heart.
Maybe this is the best way to get over you and how I have been made to feel.
Maybe this is my way of revenge without having to hurt you.
Maybe this is what I really need to pick myself up again.
And maybe… this is really just my way of saying Fuck You.
Listening to Rick Price now hurts my heart.
Today I realised this – It is completely possible to have a frank and open friendship with your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend.
Behind his back.
Today, yet again, I contemplated the end… and what lies ahead if I really got there.
Ten months on. It has gotten much easier – with time and a whole lot of determination – to actually BE well, but… there are still those times. Those times when memories of the past come back to say hello, especially when I wasn’t expecting it.
On a random September evening I was sitting beside C in his car, parked at where I live. Just before we got out of the vehicle, 《离开我》 started playing on the radio and since it was one of my all-time favourite songs I began to sing along, as I often do. Memories of the breakup with M came flooding back and just before the final chorus I suddenly went quiet, then pulled C close and cried on his shoulder for a bit (yep of course, while he was happily munching on french fries). After the song was done I picked myself up and said to him perkily, “Okay, let’s go”… as though all that had not happened. It was strange and awkward I guess, the idea of me crying over an ex on the shoulder of the one I love (and am supposed to love) at the moment. And I wanted to avoid addressing it for awhile.
After we parted later that night, I apologised to C for not being able to hold it together, and asked if he was upset about “it”. He very graciously said NO, and that he would have hugged me back if not for the fact that his hands were oily. :) While a part of me was a little taken aback by his answer, I had also predicted that he would say that anyway, since empathy was one of his strongest and most endearing traits.
As much as C and I had a shaky start due to the circumstances of that time, and still have issues to sort out, I am truly grateful for his presence and support in my life. I never thought it possible to let anyone else into my heart, let alone love wholeheartedly again (at least I hope I can). I still sometimes feel like these painful memories of M will never go away, and that I will never be able to feel for C the way he deserves.
But right now, he is here for me, and loves me. With complete abandon and dedication. The least I can do then, is give him exactly that in return.
For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.
I never appreciated Janet Jackson or her music before I met C.
But just a couple of days ago, in the still of the night, C and I shared a very emotional moment when this song was playing on the radio – talking about past loves, lost loves. What was painful then, and what still hurts today. It is a moment that will stay with me for a long time.
And it was then that I knew, this person was going to mean so much more to me than I ever thought he would.